What Ning Zhiyu said, Jiang Yumo seemed to understand and not understand, but she could see Ning Zhiyu’s pain.
She was also surprised. Did Zhou Ji’s decision not to go abroad cause such pain and distress for Zhiyu?
“Yumo, do you think I’m overthinking things?” Ning Zhiyu looked at Jiang Yumo, her eyes slightly reddened. Emotions seemed to swirl within her, unsettling the calm and composed exterior she usually displayed. The current her seemed to be on the verge of hysteria as she said, “It seems no one can understand how I feel. I told him, but he just doesn’t get it. It’s making me feel awful.”
Jiang Yumo felt a surge of sympathy and quickly pulled Ning Zhiyu into a hug, soothing her in a gentle tone. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Just talk about it!”
“I really can’t bear this. I don’t want this issue to become a burden, trapping me and him,” Ning Zhiyu choked out, tears welling up. “I don’t want this to turn into his sacrifice for me in the future, something I never asked for.”
“It won’t happen!” Jiang Yumo hastened to console her. “No, Zhou Ji isn’t that kind of person. He won’t.”
Ning Zhiyu extended her hand, wiping away her tears with her fingertips. “Yes, maybe he won’t. But I can’t stand the thought that someday, when things aren’t going well for him, he might think that if it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t be in this position now. I can’t bear the idea, even if it’s just something he thinks to himself.”
Jiang Yumo pondered the reasons behind the quarrel between Ning Zhiyu and Zhou Ji.
But, she couldn’t have foreseen Ning Zhiyu’s inner turmoil. She wanted to counter and reassure Ning Zhiyu, but her throat felt as heavy as lead. She couldn’t find her voice, as if she had lost it.
He won’t…
But how could she truly understand Zhou Ji? Perhaps he wouldn’t think this way now, nor a year later. But what about the years to come, many years later?
She didn’t even fully understand herself. How could she vouch for Zhou Ji?
For a moment, Jiang Yumo felt distressed as well.
She knew from the original plot that Ning Zhiyu and Zhou Ji eventually broke up, spending several years apart. When they reunited, even if the author depicted their reunion as a beautiful rejoining of shattered pieces, they had lost the sincerity and recklessness of their love from their eighteen-year-old days. So, this was how they drifted apart?
A shattered mirror could be repaired, but there would always be cracks.
Those cracks would never disappear.
She is no longer the eighteen-year-old she was, and he is the same way. They can never return to that time again.
“Zhiyu…” Jiang Yumo struggled to speak. Even as she started speaking, her own voice changed, as if she might choke up any second.
“I hope whether he goes abroad or stays in the country, it’s all for his own sake, for his future. Just as I’m going to Yanjing University for my future. But he just doesn’t understand,” Ning Zhiyu felt defeated and upset, “We can strive for our own futures without affecting each other, and still like each other. Is that not possible?”
Ning Zhiyu earnestly hoped that what she was thinking, although her boyfriend couldn’t understand, but her friends could.
Otherwise, in this world, no one would truly understand her.
She would become an isolated island once again.
“Let me give you an analogy. We agree to meet at a certain place. He can arrive first, or I can arrive first too, but he can’t get off the car just to go together with me. That wouldn’t move me. That’s not romance, really,” Ning Zhiyu was sobbing, “I would feel burdened, and I fear he might regret the decision to get off the car in the first place.”
Jiang Yumo took a deep breath and embraced Ning Zhiyu.
“I understand, I understand,” Jiang Yumo suddenly felt sad too, as if she were soaked in lemon water, feeling sour. “I’m sorry.”
After speaking, she paused.
She suddenly didn’t understand why she had apologized.
Who was that ‘I’m sorry’ really meant for?
Ning Zhiyu also held onto Jiang Yumo, leaning on her shoulder, murmuring, “I don’t ask for us to achieve a perfect outcome, I just hope to walk a bit further with him. I don’t want him to hold resentment when he thinks of me in the future, regretting knowing me and liking me. I also don’t want a day to come when I blame my present self for being with him.”
…
Perhaps having poured out all her inner thoughts at once, Ning Zhiyu felt much lighter. Under Jiang Yumo’s soothing, she fell asleep. She had been so tired during this period, worn out by her own emotions, and now, after sharing, she felt a weariness that made her just want to rest in what she deemed the safest place.
Jiang Yumo stayed by the bedside, and once she was sure Ning Zhiyu was sleeping soundly, she left the room quietly.
In her hand, she held a book. It was given by the school before the crucial college entrance exams, containing the score lines of various universities across the country from the past few years. It was for the high school seniors to refer to. She hadn’t opened it until now because her goal was clear. After the entrance exam for the Drama Academy, she only focused on the cultural subjects. She hadn’t considered other schools. This was the first time she opened it.
She took a deep breath and started searching. In the city where Duan Ye was going, there were several universities. She went through each one, comparing them based on her average scores from the first semester of her senior year. Except for the top two, her scores were sufficient for the rest. Jiang Yumo’s throat felt tight as her fair fingers glided over that page, comprehensively comparing and finally confirming the relatively better university among those she could get into.
And then…
This school offered many majors, but after searching online, she found that the major related to flight attendants were particularly outstanding.
Jiang Yumo smiled.
So that’s how it is.
So that’s how it is…
This was the initial spark that connected all the ups and downs in the future, the original catalyst.
In the original plot, the character was her, herself.
She should understand ‘Jiang Yumo’ better than anyone, even the author. She no longer needed to explore. She finally understood why her counterpart in the original plot chose to become a flight attendant and why she, despite her fear of heights, still chose this profession. She understood better than anyone else, didn’t she?
After sitting quietly in the living room for a while, Jiang Yumo got up, returned to her room, and left a note on the bedside table:
“Zhiyu, I need to go out for a bit!”
Leaving her room, she knocked on the door of the master bedroom.
Mother Jiang yawned as she came out, seeing her daughter had changed out of her pajamas, she furrowed her brows and asked, “What’s wrong?”
Jiang Yumo’s expression was calm, and she smiled a little. She skillfully acted a bit spoiled with her Mom, “Mom, I want to go out for a bit. I’ll be back before twelve. I’m just worried that you’ll be anxious at home if you don’t see me later.”
“What are you going out for?” Mother Jiang asked.
“It’s something personal,” Jiang Yumo blinked her eyes, “I have my own secrets.”
Mother Jiang playfully flicked her forehead, “Still keeping secrets? Are you going to see Xiao Duan?”
“Yeah, I have something to discuss with him,” Jiang Yumo tugged at Mother Jiang’s hand, “Don’t worry, Duan Ye will send me back. I’ll definitely be back before twelve.”
Mother Jiang waved her hand somewhat impatiently, “Go on then, I can’t stop you anyway. Just be careful on the road.”
During these past few days, Duan Ye has also been performing well. He has already gained the initial trust of Mother Jiang, so at this point, when her daughter wants to go out and find him, she is also at ease.
“I know.”
Jiang Yumo walked out briskly. In this small town where the people are simple and the public order is good, everyone here is putting in effort for the development of their hometown. When she left, she glanced at her phone. It’s 9:45 p.m. It was still early. Instead of taking a taxi, she hopped onto the last bus to Duan Ye’s house. There were only a few passengers on the bus. She sat in the back by the window, lost in thought while listening to music with her headphones on.
By the time she reached the bus stop near Duan Ye’s house, it was around 10:20 p.m.
She arrived at the front of Duan Ye’s house and dialed his number.
Duan Ye was quite surprised when he received her call, “You said you’re outside my house?”
As he spoke, he was putting on his pants, and there was a rustling sound on the phone.
It felt a bit chaotic.
Jiang Yumo replied with a hum and said, “Yes, I’m outside your house.”
She had come on a whim, but at this moment, she felt at ease, as if everything would be fine as long as she saw him.
He had come to find her so many times; she could come to find him too.
Duan Ye didn’t hang up the phone, and she didn’t either. She heard him moving out of his room and then the sound of him locking the door with his keys, and finally, the sound of him coming downstairs.
Jiang Yumo looked up at the residential building, and due to the movements of the young man coming downstairs, the motion-sensitive lights on each floor lit up one after another. She could faintly see his silhouette.
So, this was the feeling, she thought.
She didn’t really remember what Duan Ye looked like in junior high, but she vaguely recalled that he wasn’t as tall as he is now, and his features were relatively tender. From junior high until now, they had known each other for a full six years. Although she didn’t have a deep impression, she was still moved by witnessing his growth. They looked at each other, from around ten years old to now, adulthood.
Duan Ye descended the stairs at the fastest pace possible until he saw her in the moonlight, almost thinking that he was seeing things.
—Why did she come?
—Why at this time? Did something happen?
For a moment, he worried incessantly. Before he could approach her, she had already come to him, reaching out and hugging his waist.
Duan Ye was taken aback, even more certain that something had happened. He whispered in her ear, “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know why,” Jiang Yumo leaned against his shoulder and said in a muffled tone, “I just feel really, really uncomfortable.”
Uncomfortable to the point where her heart felt like it was about to burst.
Zhiyu said, that’s not romance, it’s not.
If you had to bear someone else’s future, how terrifying would that be?
It’s like shackles, trapping her, and also trapping him.
She remembered a sentence she had once read, that if you meet someone you like when you’re too young is fortunate or unfortunate; no one can say for sure. If neither person is mature, what will the future of this relationship be like? If only one is mature… would it be even more painful?
So, adults always say, be a bit more mature, wait a bit longer before falling in love.
This way, the possibility of hurting oneself and others might be greatly reduced.
Duan Ye listened quietly, holding her tighter and planting a kiss on the top of her head.
“It’s alright, it’s alright,” he comforted her this way.
Listening to his heartbeat, Jiang Yumo realized that she had never confessed to him before.
He also rarely brought up those words, but his affection, his cherish, were present in every corner of life, always there.
She hadn’t said it either, so… did he know?
He must know, but he probably still wanted to hear it.
“Duan Ye,” she called out to him.
“I’m here.”
“Duan Ye, I really like you,” she said with determination, as if making a promise, “I like you very, very much.”
He had liked her for a long, long time, always only her.
In fact, she was the same, there is only him in her heart.
Honestly, I can understand it can be hard to express your thoughts and feelings to your boyfriend, more so when you’re so young and it’s your first love, but I really really hope Zhiyu would explain her train of thoughts to Zhou Ji instead of just a “go abroad”. They need to communicate or the relationship won’t last long, even if you’re shy or embarrassed, even if you feel vulnerable, I just think it’s common logic so I can’t understand why won’t they speak to each other in a way the other can understand how they feel