If (1/9)
On Christmas Day, Su Zesui, who hadn’t received a letter from Gu Yilan for a long time, saved up and flew to the Country M. There, he finally saw the Gu Yilan he had been longing for.
Mr. Gu was indeed young, barely twenty, with deep-set eyes and sharp, well-defined features. He carried an innate air of coldness, like an iceberg that never melted, giving off a “keep your distance” vibe.
This was quite different from what Su Zesui had imagined. He had pictured Mr. Gu as a gentleman with a deep but pleasant voice, easy to talk to, and with subtle hints of warmth and tolerance in his words—just like in the recordings. Not like in the study, where he was all seriousness, radiating a heavy, intimidating presence that made people uneasy.
“Student Su, please wait by the door,” the butler said, handing him a cup of hot water. “Mr. Gu is busy with work right now. He might be able to see you later.”
“Thank you, Uncle,” Su Zesui replied, sitting on the chair outside the study. He held the glass, warming his hands, while sneaking glances at Mr. Gu.
The man seemed already accustomed to strangers showing up unannounced. He didn’t even bother to glance toward the door, muttering coldly words about racing that Su Zesui couldn’t understand, distant and indifferent, making the young man at the desk keep wiping cold sweat.
At that moment, Su Zesui felt even more acutely the vast gap between himself and Mr. Gu—as if they belonged to two completely separate worlds.
He knew nothing about Mr. Gu’s life. To him, the other man was like a white lotus atop a snow-capped mountain: beautiful yet unattainable, desirable yet impossible to reach.
Su Zesui’s hands, warming against the glass cup, began to sweat, and his mind—unused to rest during the flight—went blank. The carefully rehearsed words he had prepared suddenly felt inappropriate in the presence of Mr. Gu, whose presence was so imposing and otherworldly.
Ten minutes later, the young man hurriedly grabbed his briefcase and slunk out of the study, looking thoroughly frightened.
Su Zesui gripped the glass cup tightly and stood up cautiously, feeling as if he could barely breathe.
“Come here,” Gu Yilan said, flipping through the documents in his hand without looking up.
“Mr… Mr. Gu, it’s me.”
The familiar voice of the boy sounded from in front of the desk. Gu Yilan paused mid-motion, lifting his eyelids to look toward him.
Seeing the man unconsciously furrow his brow, Su Zesui quickly set the cup down, took out a bank card, and placed it on the desk. He bowed his head and explained, “Mr. Gu, my big brother passed away. This is the medical card you gave me before… I… I wanted to return it to you.”
His excuse was full of holes. Clearly, if he wanted to return the medical card, the most efficient and effortless way would be to hand it to the butler, not to fly there himself.
His clumsy excuse, without him realizing it, revealed his true desire to see Mr. Gu. He wondered if this thought would be met with disgust.
Su Zesui kept his head bowed, fingers clenched, heart pounding like a drum. Just as he was debating whether to add, “I want to thank you in person,” a strong hand pulled him into a warm, safe embrace.
“Please accept my condolences,” a low, gentle voice sounded above him, identical in tone to the recording he had heard before.
Su Zesui froze, realizing for the first time that the person in front of him—the one who kindly sent him money and comforted him when he was sad—was the real “Mr. Gu,” not some distant, cold benefactor.
“Mr. Gu, why haven’t you replied to my letters?” Su Zesui found his courage growing.
“Sorry, I’ve been a bit busy lately.” Gu Yilan lifted a stack of documents on the desk, showing Su Zesui a pile of letters beneath. “But I’ve kept every letter you sent me. You went through a lot of trouble coming here.”
In just a few words, the ice between them melted. Su Zesui felt that he and Gu Yilan had returned to the intimate relationship they shared in their letters, where nothing was left unsaid. He spoke honestly: “It’s not because of the letters. I missed you so much that I came to see you.”
“Mm. Sorry for making you worry. Sit down and rest for a bit first,” Gu Yilan said. “There was a racing accident recently, and too many people were involved, so I’ve been busy handling it. The person you just saw was an executive from the racing club.”
Su Zesui sat down opposite Gu Yilan.
Earlier, because of the man’s intimidating aura and his striking, aggressive features, he hadn’t dared to look at him directly, afraid of making eye contact. But now, hearing the man’s voice and tone exactly like in the recordings, he mustered up his courage and carefully glanced across the table.
As expected, the man’s dark eyes were bloodshot, the skin beneath them bruised and shadowed—he clearly hadn’t been resting well lately.
“Are you hurt?” Su Zesui asked, worried.
“Just a little,” Gu Yilan brushed it off, quickly changing the subject. “It just so happens that today is Christmas. You’re feeling the jet lag, right? How about I take you out tonight?”
Su Zesui was overwhelmed by the attention. “You… you’re not mad that I came to see you without asking?”
Before him, the boy’s eyes were red and swollen, fingers nervously twisting together. In the last few letters, his words had been stiff and disjointed, and faint tear stains still marked the pages—a sign that he hadn’t yet fully emerged from the shadow of losing his big brother forever.
Gu Yilan’s heart skipped a beat, and with a hoarse voice, he repeated, “My fault.”
At nine o’clock that evening, Su Zesui woke up on the big bed in the guest room, finally feeling clear-headed.
True to his word, Mr. Gu wrapped him in a newly bought down jacket and took him to a bustling square to explore.
Su Zesui was only fifteen and still hadn’t fully grown. Standing next to the man, he was more than a head shorter.
Snowflakes drifted in the distance, the large umbrella overhead tilted toward him, and the man’s tall, upright figure beside him gave him an inexplicable sense of security—though it also felt a little unreal.
Just a day ago, he had been helpless at his desk, listless in class. He never imagined that, in just one day, he would be walking in a snowy foreign land, seeing Mr. Gu in person.
“Did you ask your teacher for leave to come see me this time?” The man’s voice, more vivid than in the recordings, pulled Su Zesui back to reality.
Su Zesui checked his fingers and whispered, “I… forgot.”
To his surprise, Mr. Gu—who had been sponsoring his studies—didn’t scold him for skipping class. Instead, he said, “It’s fine. When we get home, I’ll have the butler inform your teacher. For now, enjoy yourself here for a few days.”
Su Zesui parted his soft lips and, unable to contain his emotions, asked, “I… I can really stay here and play for a few days?”
He didn’t expect to see Mr. Gu for long. For him, even spending a single, fleeting evening with him felt like a dream—enough to be cherished and replayed in his mind for days to come.
“Mm.” Gu Yilan’s voice held a faint trace of amusement.
Su Zesui hesitated. “But… I don’t speak English.”
“There’s a free translator.” Gu Yilan pointed to himself.
Su Zesui’s eyes flickered, and he whispered, “Thank you, Mr. Gu.”
Gu Yilan first explained a few key areas of the square, and seeing the boy nodding vigorously like a little drum, he asked, “What’s wrong? You don’t talk as much as you did in the recordings.”
“Um… recordings can be done over and over, and you can even prepare a script in advance. If you get stuck, you can just hit pause. Letters can be drafted ahead too…”
The man had opened the topic, and Su Zesui, in the realm of recordings and letters that he was far more comfortable with, started babbling excitedly. His pale cheeks moved slightly as he spoke, looking soft and touchable.
Gu Yilan withdrew his gaze and said, “No wonder your letters never have any spelling mistakes.”
“You don’t either,” Su Zesui said, looking up at the tall man beside him. His clear eyes sparkled under the streetlights, like stars in the sky.
Gu Yilan raised an eyebrow. “My handwriting is messy. Even if there are mistakes, they’re hard to notice.”
“Really? Um… ah!” Su Zesui tilted his head, staring intently at Mr. Gu. Distracted for just a moment, his foot slipped on the snow, and he instantly lost his balance, about to fall into a snowdrift.
At the critical moment, a strong hand gripped his arm. With a gentle pull, he was guided to the side, landing safely in a solid, warm embrace.
In that instant, he felt the man’s chest rise and fall sharply against his ear and heard a muffled grunt mixed with a hint of pain.
Panicking, Su Zesui quickly straightened himself. “S-sorry.”
After steadying him, Gu Yilan withdrew his hand and exhaled a cloud of white breath. Calmly, he said, “It’s fine.”
But Su Zesui knew the man was not as unaffected as he appeared.
Just moments ago, pressed close to him, he had clearly heard the trace of pain in Mr. Gu’s voice. It was obvious that he had struck a serious injury.
Given this, it seemed Mr. Gu’s experiences during this time were far from as simple and easy as the man had made them out to be. Not replying to his letters was likely because he genuinely couldn’t.
Su Zesui couldn’t keep it to himself. After walking just a few minutes, he couldn’t help asking again, “Mr. Gu… were your injuries serious?”
Gu Yilan knew he couldn’t hide it. “I was hurt a bit in the crash, but it’s fine now.”
Su Zesui pressed further, anxious. “Just a bit?”
Gu Yilan was silent for a long moment before correcting himself. “Some injuries. I stayed in the hospital for a while.”
Su Zesui was stunned. That was even worse than he had imagined.
After a moment, he said, “I used to spend a lot of time in the hospital with my big brother and know how to help the nurses. I can stay and take care of you.”
Gu Yilan let out a silent chuckle. “Not going to school anymore?”
Su Zesui froze at the question, then pouted his pale cheeks and rested his chin on his hands, thinking.
Before he could come up with a solution, Gu Yilan spoke again: “I have some wounds on my arm. Could I trouble you to help me apply the medicine later?”
Without a second thought, Su Zesui said, “Okay.”
Though the matter seemed settled, his mind was still swirling with thoughts.
After walking with Mr. Gu to the city’s central square, Su Zesui could no longer hold back. In a soft, obedient voice, he spoke with a hint of rebellion: “Mr. Gu… I don’t really want to go back to school.”
There were no family members near his school, and his grades were only average. No matter how much he thought about it, he could never find a real reason to study.
Gu Yilan raised an eyebrow. “Hmm?”
“I want to stay and be with you. We can do anything.” Su Zesui clenched his fingers and mustered his courage. “Or… could you give me your contact information, so that if anything happens, I can always reach you? I… I’ll come immediately.”
He didn’t want to remain in the dark while Mr. Gu struggled alone.
“Today’s a holiday,” Gu Yilan said after a moment’s thought, pointing toward the center of the square. “There’s a Christmas tree over there.”
Fifteen-year-old Su Zesui had already seen enough of the world’s harshness and was more sensitive than most. He knew that Mr. Gu’s change of subject was a polite refusal.
The light in his eyes dimmed, and he pressed his soft lips together in disappointment. Yet he still followed the man’s finger and looked in the direction he had indicated.
The Christmas tree in the center of the square was tall, decorated with twinkling multicolored lights that illuminated the surrounding night sky, visible from far away.
Its branches were adorned with delicate gold and red ornaments, shiny silver ribbons, and colorful bells and snowflakes, as if carrying all the blessings of Christmas.
“Make a wish?” Gu Yilan asked.
Su Zesui wasn’t sure if making wishes was a Christmas tradition, but his heart felt heavy after just being rejected. His mind went blank, and whatever the man said, his body followed automatically.
He closed his eyes, clasped his hands together, and after a brief thought, he sincerely said, “I hope big brother can come back to be with me.” Of course, in the deepest part of his mind where no one could hear, he secretly made a wish about Mr. Gu, hoping he could see him more often.
Once the boy had finished, Gu Yilan said, “Now Santa Claus is going to make your wish come true.”
At this, Su Zesui lowered his hands and looked up at the man beside him, confusion flickering in his eyes.
Gu Yilan patted his head and, after a few seconds, asked slowly, “Would you mind if it’s another ‘brother’ who comes with you?”
Su Zesui’s mind hadn’t even processed the meaning of the man’s words before his heart began racing wildly.
A certain possibility—one he barely dared to imagine—filled his thoughts completely, making his palms sweat and his body tremble uncontrollably.
“The matters here are basically resolved, and I’m heading back to the country.” Gu Yilan smiled, his voice airy as he looked at him. “My place isn’t far from your school, and I live alone.”
“Do you want to live with me from now on?”
Author’s Note:
That’s right—this is a “pseudo-age-gap caretaker” story~ It’s an “if” storyline from Chapter 74 flashback (an “if” parallel world where Gu Yilan didn’t die in a fiery car crash).
Today is New Year’s Eve, and Juzi brings a new side story to wish everyone a Happy Lunar New Year! Wishing you good health, happiness, and great fortune in the year ahead!
Considering the experiences of the two characters in this universe, Su Zesui doesn’t have severe social anxiety, and Mr. Gu isn’t pushed to self-harm. The basic setup is roughly as follows:
Su Zesui: Currently 15, sensitive but cute.
Mr. Gu: Currently 20, strong desire for control but restrained.
Background: Normal urban setting, heterosexual-marriage-possible universe.